*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
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cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I wish I were this cool 😂
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.