Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Weighing up my bread heating options
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
You wish you had this many chins.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT