Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
You Might Also Like
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
new shirt idea
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Um … Hot Wings please
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.