Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
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me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.