Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
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Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no