This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
You Might Also Like
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
the composer
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.