haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
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dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that