Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
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Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.