I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael