I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
You Might Also Like
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday