ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
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*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
where the womens at?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.