Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
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Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.