“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
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So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”