{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
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The cashier just checked me out.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I feel this so hard
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]