Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[shakes fist at other fist]
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.