Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
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No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’m having an out of money experience.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
fourth time’s the charm
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary