I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: