Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
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Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
yall want some gasoline milk
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.