You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
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I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
they really do be looking like this
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot