I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
You Might Also Like
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.