Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
You Might Also Like
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”