When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
The French cow says MEUX…
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO