I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
You Might Also Like
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.