Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.