I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
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The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
This took me a second..
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers