I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
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4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.