i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
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HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?