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Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Awesome parenting 😂
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Got him!
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.