The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
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Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged