When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
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Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits