“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
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Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Who knew!
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My first child will be named New Folder.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.