I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
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My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.