him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
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Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
lmaaaaaooooooooo
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
For those that worship cheese..
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic