“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
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“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.