If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist