My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
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DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..