Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped