This can never not be funny 馃槶馃槶
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Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Real Estate Agent: it鈥檚 a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it鈥檚 made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I鈥檒l take it
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn鈥檛 realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If you鈥檙e feeling this, that鈥檚 normal. Take it easy 鉂わ笍
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
if evolution doesn鈥檛 exist explain pok茅mon to me.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh鈥 used to be a fricken caterpillar
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.