Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
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Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.