Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
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FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.