I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
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Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
getting groceries
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?