Sniffing the broccoli
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
In space, no one can hear…
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!