Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
You Might Also Like
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.