[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
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walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare