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[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Boom, boom, ching!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30