If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
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Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.