My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
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It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
me hooking up with my ex
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*