penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
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If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.