Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Solving a traffic jam
Breaking news:
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.