Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
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wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
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Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
The Backseat Boys
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Does it…does it take 3 days
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.